It's funny that you can still hide in your body even when you're naked. The ways we choose to represent ourselves. Or misrepresent ourselves. Or the choices we don't make in those regards. How often does your body tell the truth?
2023-03-29 00:24:02 +0000 UTC View Post
Back when it was still a tattoo..
2023-03-27 05:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
What I did love about all these experiences was infinite opportunities to learn and connect. There were so many humans so eager to create and get weird and it was one of the first times I really felt like I found "my humans." But all false idols will burn
2023-03-26 05:00:02 +0000 UTC View Post
And now more unnecessarily hyper extended lumbar spine. The naked water chicken
2023-03-25 05:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
The only regret about my inability to show up in these spaces is a waste of location. I mean, it's not a waste. But as always, it could have been better. The forever artistic ruined orgasm - it'll never truly be enough.
2023-03-24 05:00:08 +0000 UTC View Post
I learned a lot about on-camera presence by supporting those who struggled with theirs. I always had a TON of stage fright and would often ditch school when my anxiety got too bad. But when it came time for the school play, stage health took over, I always had the most lines and I could somehow pull it together. So when I saw others who were hired and paid seriously struggle to do something I took on as an anxious elective and excelled, it made me seriously curious about why this was. Especially because these were people with naturally much bigger and bubblier personalities than I had in a day to day. What are the blocks that keep people inside?
2023-03-23 05:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
Being told my opinions were heard and mattered at the time meant a lot to me. Because it was probably a first. But I didn't stop to think about who was promoting them. Or consuming them. Or what I REALLY thought of them (beyond the fact that they got clicks). My first job was figuring out how to create clickbait for a big blog that had a lot of beliefs I did not like. And I was really good at it...
2023-03-22 05:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
Between 2016 and 2019 I participated in probably 300+ shoots. Over 100 of them were me behind the camera and almost each time was with a new person. The amount of energies and headspaces I was running through (without understanding where I really wanted to land). I'm glad there's lots of documentation because I certainly can't remember it all...
2023-03-21 05:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
The biggest problem and commodity within this community was clout. Who had bigger audiences or more products or better butt shots or studios or whatever whatever. It was all a game of exposure being sold as education. And we were all playing to win the love of the mom and dad that most of us felt we never had and had found in this "progressive couple." Initially the educators were the owners. Then they became the more prominent community members. And that's when the race began. HOOOOOWWWEVVVERRR....... Again. Inevitable. This is the nature of these spaces. We've learned that since. We just didn't have the roadmap at the time.
2023-03-20 05:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
I nailed one shot of this shoot. The one moment I decided to centre my energy, breath and gaze in one place. This is it. And it's one of my favourite photos ever. The rest I hardly care exist. And that's often the case with photography. A lot of "almost" to get to "that one." And going back through these shoots, because the photographer is one that likes to deliver a lot of images, it's been an interesting evaluation to see how I actually got there (when I couldn't feel my way into it at the time).
2023-03-19 05:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post
I hate that I'm a smoker and have been for over a decade. It's my least favourite quality of myself. I've gone through many polarities from it's medicine to it's destroying the fabric of my reality. Neither is true. I just smoke. And I do it because it's a coping mechanism. And a distraction. The more I simplify things, often the easier they are to resolve. And just being honest about it being an addiction gives me a way less bullshitty road ahead. I can try and reason with myself all I want. Or I can just do the thing.
2023-03-18 05:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
EXISTENTIAL SIDEBAR: Humiliation In the last three years I've really started to learn and appreciate the power of humiliation. Getting cancelled repeatedly online will do that to you... So will quitting jobs Or others ending. And deaths. And breakups. And incredible illness. And unwanted pregnancies. Every time I thought I couldn't break or handle more, life delivered another roundhouse to the chest. And every time I found myself on the floor sometimes literally praying for mercy, I found something really interesting on the other side. A strength to continue and a resolve to keep going that I didn't have WHILE the humiliation was happening. During those times, it was agony. But afterwards and once the integration started to make sense, they also seemed completely unavoidable. Inevitable. And the pain of the humiliation of being wrong or in need or alone seemed to be the only possible thing strong enough to shine a light on the radical truth of each scenario. Beyond that, when it comes to sexual senses, I actually have a really hard boundary against humiliation and degradation. To give or to receive. It's a complete no for me regardless of the other person's desires. I save that behaviour for the boardroom only. And I'm sure will get wordy on the why in the near future.
2023-03-17 05:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post
Everything was so tense and rigid. Because it was. You can see the places I had made progress. And maybe the places I had been avoiding. But one thing's for sure...I was willing to try just about anything probably more than twice.
2023-03-16 05:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
I used to have remorse about not shooting more in my younger years because tits. However tits or not, this version of me only had a fraction of an idea of what she was doing. So that remorse quickly dissipates and transforms into motivation to stay in shape now. The tits may be gone, but the butt rages on.
2023-03-15 05:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post
Like...THIS exists. This naked forrest chicken booty popping clusterfuck was a moment in time that I went "yeah...that's what I should do with my body while someone is intensely watching."
2023-03-14 05:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
I would get it...and then I would go too far with my flailing. I would ask what I'm thinking, but I know the reason I look like this is because I'm NOT thinking. I'm trying way too hard to put my body in places that show off parts or bendiness. Instead of just feeling. So here I am trying to take flight while sitting cross legged on a rock?
2023-03-13 05:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
I had a hard time physically communicating any emotion beyond pain or pleasure because I had a hard time feeling anything but that. A...casual...smile? Wut?
2023-03-12 05:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post
Or I would just try way too hard with what little strength I had and completely miss the mark. I call this pose "invisible toilet offering"
2023-03-11 05:00:16 +0000 UTC View Post
Just be aware of the room that surrounds you
2023-03-11 00:12:45 +0000 UTC View Post
Geometrically these shapes are pleasing. Anyone with a sense of what a skeleton should look like is probably cringing. ALL of my posing was hyperextension - because that's all I had. Leaning into whatever extreme was available because I thought that was the best version of myself.
2023-03-10 05:00:14 +0000 UTC View Post
I was really popular as a model in this group because of my back arch. Everyone thought it was my butt..and she's nice too..but the secret to my meat isn't actually how much I've got...but how far I can push it back. And I can genuinely sit on my own head - so the limit does not exist.
2023-03-09 05:00:12 +0000 UTC View Post
**some assembly required** Being born in a body doesn’t mean being born with the knowledge on how to use it or the language to speak to it. Thankfully humans are malleable until the end and can always learn & change as long as the choice is made to do so.
2023-03-08 15:15:44 +0000 UTC View Post
When I think back about what I was thinking about then, I'm kind of stunned at myself. Because even though I was doing this in multiple levels of secrecy, I was telling myself it was good for me. For my art. For my self image. This was empowering. I was taking charge of my sexuality and my body and I wanted to explore it through seeing it. I don't know what sort of self righteous early 20s radical feminist bullshit I was selling myself, but holy fuck could that delusion not have been farther from the truth. My mindset "I can do what I want with my body whenever I want and I want to create with this amazing artist and his experience is larger than mine so he must have some sense of what is better that I don't. This is being submissive - leaning into the powers that others have and giving over decision making in a conscious container to ultimately gain more. The actuality "A middle-aged anti-social man used photography as a way to m33t and interact with women that he otherwise never would. Having a shared project made the conversation and the intimate topics innocuous and distracting from the inherent power dynamic used to persuade people into thinking that pushing their own boundaries was artistically empowering" It took almost 7 years from this first experience for me to learn that truth.
2023-03-08 05:00:08 +0000 UTC View Post
The pre-shoot consultation was the next flag I did not have enough experience or balls to call. Instead of negotiating, he told me what I had to be willing to do if I was interested in shooting with him. If that was too much for me, that was fine, but he wasn't interested. This type of assertiveness was something I was used to and again...was craving. So I agreed to go more sexual than I ever had in the past because...opportunities? Right? Within the first 5 minutes of meeting him, he negged me. Seeing my curly hair, which I was still learning on how to take care of, he told me I looked like I had been in the rain. And that if we were ever to shoot again, I should straighten it next time. We did. I did. And that was the energy we shared before I got naked for him...
2023-03-07 05:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
If you've gotten this far in the story and have no idea WTF I'm talking about, here's the TL;DR. Do More Photographers was a sex-positive photography community born out of the WPPI/Creative Live-centric wedding community in early 2012-ish It was one of a kind at the time and pushing a lot of boundaries in what was seen in imagery and on social media at the time. They were the first group I know to have content removed...THAT'S how far back it went. Before it even happened.... The founders were a husband and wife team that had moved from full-time high level photographers into the space of community leaders and educational platform owners. I found my way into the community initially as a model. A friend recommended I shoot with the husband of the duo - because his work was incredible. She warned me his attitude was not. At the time, I chalked this up to something that happened in the creative industry. We always heard about egomaniacs being behind cameras and at the time that's pretty much exactly what I was looking to interact with. So I agreed to m33t and get naked for this apparent asshole. He's got a flag before I've even met him. And that's flag number one on understanding my own boundaries.
2023-03-06 05:00:13 +0000 UTC View PostI saw this on Twitter and was reminded of the chain emails from the early 2000s. Join me in a bit of nostalgia and post your own list in the comments. 8 movies/shows to get to know me (in no order) 1. Nightmare on Elm Street #1 2. Casper 3. Succession 4. Fight Club 5. The Truman Show 6. Curb Your Enthusiasm 7. Kill Bill #2 8. The Simpsons
2023-03-05 17:30:30 +0000 UTC View Post
I didn't realize it at first. Or actually for many years. And of course I couldn't have. I was younger, dumber and in way more pain. I wanted a place. A purpose. A community. Prime target to take advantage of.
2023-03-05 05:00:08 +0000 UTC View Post
I was brand new to being in my body and it was a lot more ego than experience. So when it came time to actually prove it, I never felt like I could. I leaned into my intellect rather than my energy or experience (because it wasn't there). I stayed in concept rather than action - both in how I posed, how I presented educational material and I tried to remain as more of an enigma rather than an approachable person (because I felt like what I was offering wasn't real). And it worked. On the outside. I was pretty popular within the group and any effort I made to try and pull power or profit was pretty successful. But it never fully felt like my place... So my participation was always sparse until I was given a true reason to step up. AKA when they started grooming me.
2023-03-04 05:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
This was the first time I shot in a look like this and I had absolutely no idea what to do in this costume - especially without a partner as a prop. So I defaulted to what I usually do when I'm uncomfortable - put things in my mouth.
2023-03-03 05:00:18 +0000 UTC View Post
There are so many elements to this story that it's hard to know what to pull from (or what would even make sense to anyone here). I have this sneaking suspicion that my audience is 50% people from that group and 50% people I went to some level of school with. Which if you fall into that group, know that it's perfectly fine. It'd be weird/delusional to pretend like this was a secret. BUT what I can start by saying is my entire experience in that group I felt like I was attempting to be something I wasn't. My imposture syndrome was never louder than it was when I was trying to become what they saw in me.
2023-03-02 07:49:50 +0000 UTC View Post