Without things that make you uncomfortable, you are doomed to stay the same.
The game these apps want people to play is reflexive of the societal standards that keep people complacent, compliant, anxious and depressed.
“Do as we say, not as we do”
“If we don’t like what you say, we’ll make it hard for you to speak”
“Present your best self and save the rest for when you’re in private”
“Things are not as they seem”
How do you win at a game that has no fixed rules?
You don’t.
You quit and make up your own.
Please continue to question everything.
About yourself.
What you see.
How you act.
How others act.
And never let go of that feeling in your gut.
Run towards it, not away from it.
When you’re uncomfortable, it’s either an opportunity to change yourself or the environment you’re in.
It’s up to you to learn to listen and decide what the message is.
I used to define womanhood by an aesthetic and suffered a lot of mental anguish by not being able to uphold the norm.
I haven't worn heels outside of a photoshoot in multiple years because my flimsy framework simply does not function well on them.
I tried and trained and tried and my best efforts always ended in pools of blo0d, tears and adult tantrums.
This hurt my ego.
And my aesthetic.
And I found myself distancing myself from anything femme because I couldn't do this.
What a load of bullsh|t I told myself.
The humans who look hottest in heels are the ones that own them when they wear them and that has nothing to do with gender.
I've seen and shot penis owners in beautiful footwear I wouldn't dare attempt wearing in public for fear of shattering my entire face.
I must admit that the power play of height is something that I miss.
But I missed being grounded even more.
Once I gave up heels and started attending dates, weddings and s3x parties in flats, I found that my anxiety in all of these circumstances dramatically decreased.
Always remaining at my true height of 5"3 has also taught me how to stand eye-to-eye by using my energy rather than my vantage point.
So while shoes may do a lot to pull an outfit together, I wholeheartedly believe that wearing a better attitude is the most attractive thing you can put on.
As a flesh bag, we require social interaction to be happy, grounded and feel alive.
Scientifically speaking, the endorphin rush we get off online interactions, while great for our chemicals, does not have the same physiological response as in-person connection.
When I stopped treating this place like an opportunity to connect, I found myself finally feeling more connected.
To myself, my surroundings and the physical world.
The down side was that people who have a different relationship with this place took it as a personal offence that I no longer wanted to connect passively digitally.
Yes it’s a great way to engage with and build a larger network - which serves a great purpose.
And for me - that purpose is professional and artistic.
I’ve found a lot more peace thinking a lot less about myself and getting very specific about what this place is for.
And making my s3x a commodity has had benefits and drawbacks that I question as well.
We can’t live in pictures.
They are beautiful moments of creation and imagination and control.
But they’re a fraction of a second of a real life moment.
A well-constructed lie as I’ve always said.
Even a documentary is shot through a lens.
So what you see is not always what you get.
And I’d rather BE at the beach than look at it. Except my camera bag is currently covered in sand...because I also work for a mermaid.
I haven’t had partnered sex in over a month and it’s been glorious.
I often swing between fasting and indulging in order to understand what my body is calling for.
The difference between “want” and “need” can be confused by intense emotional pulls and external factors.
Finding quiet and stillness ironically increases the volume of whatever is left.
I’ve gone long periods of exploring hypersexuality, f0rced celibacy, self-imposed celibacy and whatever else is in between.
I’ve gone up and down and around the spectrum and back again many many times in my career of sexploration.
And what I’ve learned again and again is that while it is fun, exciting and expansive - one feeling cannot replace the desire for another.
I’ve often found myself seeking connection, intimacy, intensity or even love through sex. While those can be ingredients in an interaction, they are not guaranteed to be delivered.
In the absence of connection with another energy, I have been reminded of how many of those things already exist within me…if I work on accessing them.
Sure they can be turned up or down by having another energy to reflect off of.
But at the end of the day, all we have is ourselves.
And I don’t want to be dependant on anything.
Because you truly can’t depend on anything.
Except for yourself.
Lessons are loops until they are cleared and traveling in concentric circles tends to be disorienting.
How is it that we can seem to cover so much distance and end up at the same place we started?
Because we are the common denominator of our journey.
The course does not change until we do.
Round and round we go.
Where she stops - only she knows.
Instead of resolutions and goals for this new calendar year - I’ve opted for some tough love. My favourite flavour.
This Christmas I enlisted the help of some plants and psychotherapy to do what consensual v|olence never could.
Hold me accountable to and of myself.
Before I sat with ibogaine, I asked my friend Teri Hofford to help me tell myself the truth.
“If you want things to stay the same, it is what it is. OR...you can get up from the table.”
If you have no intention to actively change your circumstance, don’t expect it to be any different.
And if you do want it to be different, don’t expect the same players to follow you to the next level of the game.
This helped me tremendously.
Maybe you could use it too.
The calendar changing won’t do a single thing to make this year any different - it’s all up to you.
Happy New Year 🥳 🙃
When I locate the uncensored version, you will receive it.
Until then...I'm pretty sure you're familiar with my nipples and can mentally fill in the blanks.
I absolutely hated this photo and it completely violated the boundaries I laid out for this shoot
It took me years to get over the fact that it even existed - after explicitly telling the photographer that spread shots of any sort were completely against my comforts.
His response "I shoot everything and you can decide after"
I should have said "no you will shoot what I give you permission to shoot, and nothing else"
But immaturity and insecure did not allow me to.
Thankfully his reputation has been completely destroyed because he is a horrible human being (that happens to produce great art)
...Happy Sunday Bumday!
When I moved into this place, I could immediately tell the landlord was kinky because there were hard points and D-rings strategically all around the bed.
Sunday Bumday (with a side of existentialism)
I've been coming up against a lot of shame lately - and the one-year anniversary of this platform.
I spoke to my mom about it for the first time. I've tried before, but she's refused. This time the conversation lasted a few minutes before she told me "this is all she thinks of me" and quickly found a new topic.
And I've felt that way from quite a few humans in my life - like this is all they think of me now.
It is up to me to sit with that and decide how I feel.
One one hand - that truly is their problem.
On the other - social equity is real.
I've considered this every time I've decided to include more of my sex in my art - "what doors am I closing and will I regret not walking through them?"
I think it's something anyone must consider before they let their freak flag fly (location pending).
And right now I'm wondering if mine is flying too high to focus on my other goals?
(with Max)
So many feelings of "not enough" come up with this work.
"Work" - something I find myself shaming myself for.
I get paid.
There is labour.
We are all a whore to something.
And yet I look at this and ask myself "is this selfish?"
"What contribution does it make?"
"Does it have to?"
Purpose and money are so intertwined because capitalism forces us to multitask and layer ourselves on top of ourselves without giving us enough space to ask "is this wise?"
But then I go back to the beginning of it all and I am reminded that I am where I am because it was the road I was always headed down.
https://teenytinytaylor.com/blog/2016/8/7/blog-beginnings
