Unsexy Stories: Part 14
My first HPV treatment was one of the most scarring experiences of my life - physically and emotionally. A hole, a relatively deep one, burnt into my inner inner INNER thigh.
While the doctor just stood there and watched the tears stream.
And held my legs open.
Not like she could do much more.
But watching that heal and sitting with the idea that THIS was how to treat it started to convince me there had to be better ways of handling our bodies and our health.
ACID is the answer???
No...that can't be.
Unsexy Stories: Part 13
"Food is fuel" is something I tell myself frequently after forgiving myself for binging.
While I know this intellectually, experientially peanut butter is just too fucking good.
Unsexy Stories: Part 11
It's funny how we think we naturally know how to use bodies because we are born with them.
Like we think parenting will be innate.
Unsexy Stories: Part 10
What does it mean to dissociate?
It's hard to tell anymore with so many versions of reality.
It used to be pretty clear.
And something that only "crazy" people experienced.
Now it's something that could essentially be put on a resumé.
"Incredibly capable of sitting motionless for 8hrs+ doing repetitive tasks." HIRED!
Unsexy Stories: Part 9
I prefer B.O to cologne.
Only if they're healthy.
I've always felt confident I could smell sickness or disease.
I once asked a friend if she too could feel the germs on her hands before washing them. I only asked that once.
Many empathetic experiences since then have further confirmed this suspicion that ovary owners are indeed witches and our hardwired ability to feel life outside ourselves leaves us forever sensitive to the signals of others.
I've always been very sensitive to smell.
And smelling artificial registers something as non-human in my brain.
Anytime a beautiful human has walked by me, only to leave a trail of faux-flowers in their wake, my first thought is "how does someone get in proximity to taste that person?"
Unsexy Stories: Part 8
Having what I have means I scar strangely.
Sometimes better, often worse.
And being as masochistic as I am means that sometimes I end up with a bit more than I bargained for.
Particularly on my pussy.
I have a tendency to acquire skin tags on my labia.
For reasons I haven't entirely understood (beyond some masochistic masturbation tendencies).
Regardless, I suppose it isn't all that surprising that textured skin heals with more texture. However, I became very insecure about how they looked.
Even with a partner who could barely give a quarter of a shit, I cared deeply. Especially at the thought of being photographed with some sort of growth.
But I let it happen.
I wanted to see it.
Sit with it.
And I did.
....and then eventually I decided to do something about it.
So the homemaker deep inside me (thanks mom) got out the dental floss, the tweezers and the mirror and the yogi in me took many deep breaths.
Before tying her off and deciding her life ended here.
Slowly, bit by bit as bl00d and air leave, she says goodbye like a fucked up forgotten raisin from under the sofa.
For any pale people with similar sufferings, I learned this technique on an arm first - watching my mom help my aunt in the kitchen.
And can confirm, the technique is transferrable if you're willing to endure.
Unsexy Stories: Part 7
I think body trauma also leads to body liberation.
If I hadn't gone through such a period of darkness and dissociation, I wouldn't be as grounded in it as I am now.
If I hadn't learned what I didn't have to create safety, how would I know what to go after?
Update: I’ve had about 400 posts removed. Most of which had appropriate releases, and yet…🤷🏻♀️🫠
My desire to rectify this issue is super meh.
We know the history of this space.
I’ve started thinking of what other places I may move to next.
Stay tuned.
Unsexy Stories: Part 6
Medical trauma creates an interesting relationship with the body.
Especially if incurred in early years.
The first time I was penetrated, was ana|ly, digitally, by a doctor, in front of my mother.
I was e|ght.
And that's the first time I consciously remember attempting to dissociate from my body.
Go anywhere from where I was.
And while I don't know if I succeeded in that moment, I had plenty of opportunities after that to keep practicing.
What came from that was a strength.
And a numbness.
An ability to fall behind my skin, get small inside and shrink away from whatever was happening outside.
A highly trained pain tolerance is a skill and a weakness.
It makes you resilient.
And difficult to ask for help.
It's challenging to know your lines versus the ones you've learned to live with.
Unsexy Stories: Part 5
I'm better in writing than I am in words.
Which means I'm often misunderstood.
Who isn't?
I frequently find I haven't gotten what I wanted because I haven't accurately communicated it.
Maybe that was with my words.
Maybe that was with my actions.
But when I lean into the idea that "if it is meant to be, it's up to me", it also means that everything that happens in my reality is my responsibility.
That's a lot of weight.
And a lot of power.
If used appropriately.
Unsexy Stories: Part 4
The digital has become as real as the physical.
We used to spend time trying to make the digital reflect the physical.
Now we seem to spend it in the reverse.
Creating an avatar through fragments and snapshots to explore different facets of our person, before deciding who gets to drive the ship.
Or we land on the decision to have a constantly rotating cast of characters based on circumstance and energy.
Seeing something reflected back in image and video can be the first opportunity to turn fantasy into reality.
But is it?
Or just an extension of the fantasy?
The act of being perceived immediately introduces additional energy into any circumstance. Be that of a camera or an audience.
The way we are seen depends on who is looking.
And if we attempt to create ourselves first through the perceptions of others rather than through the lived experiences of our bodies, what does that mean?
Are we paving a way for a potential?
Perpetuating a delusion?
Manifesting a reality?
Avoiding reality?
TBD...
UPDATE: I had over 100 posts removed today.
Who knows what that means for deletion…
If you want to stay in touch in case I vanish, drop your email on my site
https://www.tinytayloroakes.com/nsfw
Unsexy Stories: Part 3
Body positivity is a touchy subject.
One I've spent some time sitting with and found that the semantics have been weaponized beyond the point of being productive.
If we spend all this time on the words we use to talk about the issues we face, we're really just p|ssing into the wind.
But for the sake of the discussion, body neutrality is where I personally land.
Should we look or feel or do anything specific? Yeah I think so. However that spectrum of acceptance is incredibly wide - and that's where we're confused.
You SHOULD be able to use your body to move around.
You SHOULD be able to p00p.
You SHOULD be able to keep your fluids inside your fleshsack.
You SHOULD be able to contribute to community and participate in the physical world.
Beyond that, what that looks like is where we can exist in nuance and difference.
We all start from the same cellular foundation and immediately start fractalling out into the snowflakes we become.
However a bird is a bird - regardless of peacock or prey.
As are humans - regardless of how we dress the outside.
And if we allow our brain to start deciding the destiny of our meat suit and we deny ourselves the basic capabilities of our framework, while that is entirely within our conscious right to do so, it is well outside our ideal living conditions.
Unsexy Stories: Part 2
After 2020 I stopped using social media as a live feed of my life.
One - it felt like that tool was being better utilized for political awareness rather than brand awareness.
Two - it felt more productive to be more separate.
At the end of the year before my first journey with DMT, I meditated on the question of "am I wasting my time online?"
And maybe 24-hours later my account was deleted.
Loud and clear.
I knew that wasn't meant to be a black and white definition of my place in this world - just an opportunity for a reset of boundaries.
And in dissociating "here" from "now", I have found more peace. But I've also found it to be an interesting parallel to try and appear my most fuckable digitally often on my most physically potato-ey days.
Images are just representations of moments and after having spent the better part of a decade creating them for monetizing under the concept that "everything is content", I finally took a moment of pause to ask "what is this doing to us?"
Have you?
Unsexy Stories: Part 1
I find this new world of ultra-accessible sexuality very interesting.
While I simultaneously enjoy exploring and exploiting it, I also wonder what it's doing to our perceptions of fantasy and accessibility.
What does it mean to have a pocket fantasy available 24/7 for $10-30/month?
Similar questions have always been asked in regards to porn. So naturally as our exploration of the medium are expanding, so are our relationships with it.
A lot less hair. A bit more belly. Far fewer fucks.
30s have been about embracing what is versus lusting after what could be.
Impermanence is everything and we are nothing.
No thing - just now.
And if now is all we have, why wait?
The photographer that shot this is one of my favourites.
I loved his work so much I made it my mission to become his friend.
And I did.
He taught me so much about slowing down while shooting.
Seeing the power in the quiet moments.
Using what is.
Simplifying.
Most was communicated through his example rather than his words.
I learned a lot by getting naked for him and feeling him move around me.
I've learned a lot through this method with many.
It's been several years since I've explored this expression with any sort of regularity.
I have a habit of running from the things I love.
In this instance, I ran because I was afraid.
I went through periods of being afraid of the effects prolonged posing would have on my fragile framework.
Pain was often a result of shooting.
But it's also often a result of many aspects of life.
It's the suffering that is optional.
Once I started getting stronger and my trainer could mature from holding me to pushing me, she reminded me why I was working with her in the first place.
It's one thing to recover.
It's another thing to condition.
I don't have to have benchmarks against others.
Just myself and the existence I hope to uphold.
And I definitely want to live in a world where I keep getting to make art with my ass.
And I can't wait to shoot with my long lost friend again <3
I’ve never used an alias in this world because I initially entered it searching for more of myself.
I didn’t want to hear other names or words directed at me because I already knew I was capable of operating under other identities.
I wanted to find more of the one that felt like “home”.
As a y0ung brain, I thought I would find more of that in other people and places and experiences.
And I did.
But it didn’t show up how I expected.
No one taught me who I was.
No where gave me more of myself.
They were just opportunities to see how I would react.
How would I respond.
How would “Taylor” show up given the chance to?
And that’s when it started to click that self is exactly that; whatever comes out when you’re not thinking about it.
Sometimes I feel good about that.
Often I shock myself.
But to be connected to what that was feels a lot safer than to find more dissonance from it.
I'm stepping into a new phase of maturity in this project of self discovery and sexploration.
My humans join me on it, but even with their presence what is becoming louder is it's not about my relationship with them.
It's about my relationship with myself.
My body.
My gender.
My fears.
My desires.
I am able to learn these things through them because it is through those opportunities of reflection that self is seen.
It can't be done in a vacuum.
I learn more of myself in the unscripted, uncontrolled moments than I do in the ones of quiet reflection and control.
Or at least right now I am better at listening in those moments.
It is not a journey to find my labels or my niche or people - just myself.
But on that ultimately I already know what I will learn.
I am nothing.
I know this intellectually, but now I chase it experientially.
I still get stuck in the idea that I am a collection of
accomplishments and
failures and
kinks and
fears and
triggers and
experiences and
relationships and
projects and
missed opportunities and
fights and
hangovers and
orgasms and
outfits and
so on...
But the truth is, I am only these things as long as I am in them.
Slices of time, fractions of reality frozen briefly by memory and perception.
As soon as the ingredients shift, so do I.
And change happens again.
So I am the sum of all and yet none.
I am nothing because I am no thing.
As I’ve started to settle into an older version of self, I’ve started to finally understand that the wisdom of my body is not optional.
I can attempt to numb and avoid and run, but it will find me. And if I manage to block one form, it will find another to present itself in. If I can’t learn in an opportunity, it will be through a lesson.
My dad used to have this saying that he would deliver right before I was about to be punished.
“We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way.”
The easy way was his way.
The hard way came from his military school background and involved a flailing 8-year-old in a cold shower.
As much as I’d like to say I’ve evolved from her, she still exists within me. And sometimes the only solution is to still throw her in the cold shower.
So even though my dad is no longer the one holding the options over my head, it is still always the one in front of me - we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way.
From @themaxeisenhardt
How important is a deep, intrinsic connection to your sex?
For me, it's everything.
Sex is my flow state, sex is turning the thinking mind off, sex is truly feeling the energy of the person you're intwined with.
This photo embodies that connection beautifully.
