Here's where I see it.
Dead on the floor.
Trying too hard.
Completely unconnected to my core.
Putting this look on was a first for me (outside the bedroom) and after cutting my hair I was so ready to embrace my masc in myself, my dynamics and lean into this internal daddy I've never worn on the outside.
As soon as I got these images back, I didn't see any hint of myself.
I only saw a character I was trying to play.
And then it really landed.
He's fun to play.
But not who I want to live as.
And THAT'S why the hair hurt.
Artistically I love it.
Energetically I have fear around the energies it will signal towards me and if they will align with my current quest.
*lightbulb*
2023-02-03 22:12:25 +0000 UTC
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Knowing more of my face is showing has certainly made me more conscious of it.
I used to love hiding behind my hair.
And anonymity is embraced in nude photography - to be able to project any subject or concept onto the form and allow the individual identity to melt away.
But without my usual curtain, the "meditating deer in a headlights while you bend into a pretzel" fallback doesn't quite apply.
So I leaned into the subtle.
The small changes.
I shifted my usual meditation from one of endurance to one of enjoyment.
I didn't force myself to stay in poses or places longer than my body wanted to just because someone was watching and asking me to.
I felt like my eyes may come back dead in all of these photos.
And in some of them they did.
You can see me slip away into a thought that clearly isn't about where I am (if you know how to see that sort of thing)...
2023-02-02 21:48:04 +0000 UTC
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The body I had at the time of this shoot is not my ideal version of my physical self. But because the nature of this workshop was to embrace body positivity, regardless of my personal opinions on that matter, I chose to embrace it how it was.
This was the first time shooting with my new hair, my fluffy form and the subconscious confirmation that my current reality was indeed over and I was in a true transition.
I was nervous I was going to show too much sadness about all of these states. And while I didn't want to hold that back, a naked crying girl gets weird/tiring/erotic/off topic after a point...
2023-02-01 05:08:09 +0000 UTC
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And one more for the reveal...
2023-01-31 05:04:02 +0000 UTC
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A stark expectation vs. reality of photography
2023-01-30 05:04:52 +0000 UTC
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How everything can feel so big...and yet it's truly all so small.
2023-01-29 05:04:45 +0000 UTC
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Today I am 32.
I am also completely single for the first time in a long time.
For some reason those facts feel like they go together.
Having gone from being in multiple relationships to zero has been a stark contrast - but I'm a polarizing person.
But I will say, it has been a truly restorative reset for my own energy.
My relationship with myself truly is the best it's ever been.
And today we’re getting ice cream.
Join me or buy it for me.
Both are welcome.
2023-01-28 05:05:34 +0000 UTC
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Tomorrow is my birthday.
If you haven't caught on...it's been quite a time in my physical world.
I always treat tomorrow just like any other day and make the promise to freely spoil myself without looking at the bill at least one time this year.
I refuse to allow the calendar to tell me when that will be.
If you like structure and feel generous, donations for mezcal are always accepted.
2023-01-27 05:05:45 +0000 UTC
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Oh hi
2023-01-26 05:04:35 +0000 UTC
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A shift in attitude and perspective creates an entirely different world.
You don't have to go anywhere.
2023-01-25 05:05:59 +0000 UTC
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What began to emerge was a melding of subconsciouses.
By just allowing myself to move from a place of flow rather than thought, and trusting in my creative partners, our images naturally became stronger.
The less I tried, the more I got it.
2023-01-24 05:06:52 +0000 UTC
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I started to learn that the emotion in an image was the top priority for me.
Tech specs are important and certainly deserve attention, but the sentiment captured is what calls me to create.
And the more I saw of other people in their more vulnerable, raw states, the more I became comfortable with seeing myself in my own.
I had less of a desire to be seen as sexy and more of an interest in seeing how others would see me with less guidance.
2023-01-23 05:06:57 +0000 UTC
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Being watched no longer bothers me because it used to be my biggest fear.
I was so insecure in my skin that being perceived as I truly was felt dangerous.
Growing up weird in the 90s was different.
We were on the edge of having it easier, but still a lot of neurodivergent roadblocks along the way.
So my coping mechanism was to study.
To become the best masker I could be.
How do humans walk, talk, emote, deal with said emotions, etc. etc.
I ended up doing more intentional research than the average individual - which gave me a lot more self awareness than I was born with.
In using that to move through the various stages of self image and beyond that, having it captured, it's become an extension of that process.
At one time I could only be witnessed performing - if I remained as in control of the outcome as possible.
Then that got boring. Or easy. Or both.
And my desire to capture less pretty moments began to emerge.
Somehow those moments ended up being the most beautiful though.
2023-01-22 05:07:08 +0000 UTC
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Texture and aging are synonymous.
So I'm doing my best to put more energy on enjoying it rather than resenting it.
So far it's actually been productive.
And while I haven't invested a small fortune into face creams (yet), I'm certainly seeing the wear and tear of repetitive (and general) stress - specifically from camera squinting.
The "11" wrinkle, or so I've been told it's called by those who are paid to make it go away...begins to make it's presence known between my eyes.
Reminding me that I have indeed spent more than 10,000 squinting with one eye.
But the journey has been so worth it..
2023-01-21 05:03:42 +0000 UTC
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A new (to you) self shot set is coming soon 😊
2023-01-20 14:04:26 +0000 UTC
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When it works...try not to go blind
2023-01-20 05:04:21 +0000 UTC
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Thoughts are 50/50 "don't fall" and "I hope nothing bites..."
2023-01-19 05:10:14 +0000 UTC
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Why we like to look at things is partly subjective, partly scientific.
What draws the eye in and pleases the brain are one in the same.
Capturing bodies is like applied geometry.
2023-01-18 15:13:37 +0000 UTC
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Very natural...
And yet somehow not all that unusual.
Or my first time dragging an object into someones backyard water in order to put a naked person in it...
2023-01-18 05:04:46 +0000 UTC
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Feelings towards feet?
I was introduced to them as an interest rather early on in my kink journey.
I never cared much for my own until someone else REALLY did.
It certainly f0rced me to bring more awareness to their aesthetic, hygiene and dexterity - which I'm not mad about.
2023-01-17 05:01:30 +0000 UTC
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My body is borrowed
I got it on loan
For the time in between my mom and some maggots
I don’t need anyone to hold me
I can hold my own
I got highways for stretch marks
See where I’ve grown
2023-01-17 01:40:22 +0000 UTC
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Going on one of my longest bouts of adult celibacy and only being exposed to self-touch.
It hasn't been as rocky of a road as I would have anticipated.
I suppose like any dependency, it really does get easier after the first 30 days of being dry.
2023-01-16 05:01:36 +0000 UTC
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50’s androgyny…we’re onto something 🤔
Also working on not being a noodle in that backbend ✨
2023-01-15 05:01:27 +0000 UTC
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Pop a squat…but make it sexy?
2023-01-14 05:01:24 +0000 UTC
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My favourite sensation.
Naked in nature.
Lipstick is a new edition for me in that context though.
I figure if I’m losing the hair, I’ll add the femme elsewhere.
2023-01-13 05:01:39 +0000 UTC
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Harsh sun can be hard to work with - but it’s worth it
2023-01-12 05:01:47 +0000 UTC
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We have to stop consuming our culture.
Create your own roadshow.
2023-01-11 12:11:18 +0000 UTC
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I mean…I never pictured a full body suit for myself.
I rather like being able to hide my ink.
But I do love showing it off.
I just like the reveal from front to back and the inevitable “will you do the other side?”
But I must say…it’s an interesting look.
2023-01-11 05:01:53 +0000 UTC
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I’m rather enjoying the hair now.
It’s easy to play with and change.
And for some reason I can’t stop cutting it…
Reshaping it.
It scares me.
But I guess I like it.
2023-01-10 05:04:11 +0000 UTC
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As one door closes, another opens.
And if it doesn't...crack the window and jump out.
2023-01-09 22:27:52 +0000 UTC
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